MEN VS WOMEN - IMPENDING BATHING SUIT SEASON - 4/13/09

- MEN -
TIMELINE:
July:
Grab same swim suit as last year (which is the same suit as the year before...rinse & repeat) and hit the pool/beach to watch all the hot mommas in their swim suits (Some guys doing just an awful job at this while pretending the're NOT doing this behind dark sunglasses...we are SO on to you guys)

- WOMEN -
TIMELINE:
March:
Browse new 2009 swimsuit inventory at stores thinking you can't wear the same suit as last year because everyone would notice and then say to eachother "OMG...THAT'S THE SAME SUIT SHE WORE LAST YEAR!" behind your back with the same intensity as if you just committed murder. When in actualilty it turns out you really think WAY to much of yourself because A) Nobody would notice and B) Nobody would give a rat's ass! Additionally, you think to yourself I'd better start eating cleaner and taking the stairs.

April:
Sign up for Monthly tanning at $40/month so you can start to build your "BASE TAN" so when July rolls around you don't look lilke a long lost family member of The Munsters.

Realize you must actually grow out your southern womanly region to the point you resemble a really bad 70's porn star so that you may go pay $50-$100 for the torture which is commonly referred to as "bikini waxing or a brazilian wax if you are so bold" so that come July you WON'T resemble a 70's porn star. You men don't realize this but this has to be done at LEAST 3 times before July because there are 3 hair growth cycles rotating at once....we get to shell out the dough and deal with torture not once but 3 times!!

You start to try on the first wave of about 100 suits in dressing rooms so horribly lit that even your teeth have a strange hue to them. This coupled with your panties that must be worn UNDER the suit while trying suits on I've heard has led to increased profits for local therapists and the manufacturers of Celexa!

You make the very wise decision to eat only when necessary in hopes that skipping a meal here or there will shed some weight when in reality you are doing the exact opposite. Your body will store fat thinking less nutrition is coming in. We know this and yet we still skip.

May:
Yup, back to the waxer, who now has seen way too much of you and it's a bit awkward but you push through.

Second wave of trying on suits only now you think you notice you've GAINED weight. Nothing fits. You feel like a fatass and the rest of the day you are pissed off and snappy.

Grocery list: Puffed wheat, egg whites, low fat yogurt, no salt turkey, salad stuff. Period. Nothing else gets brought in the house!

You pass Rita's and say F* it and get a water ice. Here we go again.

June:
See May

July:
You look exactly the same as in March except a bit smoother and with an orangy glow about you.

You go back and buy one of the suits you tried on in the First Wave for the simple fact that while it was not particularly flattering it was the best of the worst.

You head to the pool/beach and end up wearing last years suit anyway because your new suit hasn't been broken in/stretch out yet. No one notices/cares.

AAAHHH!