Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Homeless, wet dogs need a place to dry off also. What's the big deal?

People, you just can't make this stuff up. My friends make fun that "everything happens to me". It's so true. I'm a magnet for odd and random freakiness.

Case in point: This incident happened years ago but still has me cracking up so I thought I'd share with my loyal 5 followers. ;)

Let me set the scene for you. It is a rainy work day in Florida. Not just a typical rainy day - it's one of those sideways, downpouring deluges of rain. (You Florida people know what I'm talking about). I'm dressed in my proper, professional clothing appropriate for the underpaid, business position I worked at the time. At lunch time I make a pit stop at 7-11, leaving my car unlocked in the rush to get inside the store and stay as dry as possible.

I pick up my items and as I'm running back to my car I stop dead in my tracks oblivious to the rain. In my car are 2 filthy and soaking wet (big) dogs jumping from the back to the front to the back again in a demented frenzy stopping every few seconds to shake the filthy water off their mangy bodies. I incredulously look around and there are a couple other empty cars in the lot and 2 homeless men seeking shelter under the overhang of the store. I ask them if these are their dogs and they say "No". I am now drenched myself and I go back into the store and ask everyone in there if they own the dogs in my car. Negatives all around and some looks of "Who's the crazy, wet lady?"

I go back out and finally get the homeless men to admit they put the dogs in my car because they felt bad they were so wet. I scream at them to get their damn dogs out of my car! I think they were scared of me because they actually jumped up and did as I instructed.

I then proceed to squish down into my sopping wet, cloth-covered seat and gag on the wet dog smell and mess in my car. I now have to work the remainder of my day smelling like wet dog and looking homeless myself in my ratty, wet clothes.

Needless to say it was a very long time before my coworkers let me live that one down.
Lock your cars people. Crazy people live among us.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

O relax! You have another eyebrow (and a half)

I have [had] nice brows. Not too thick, not too thin. They were the perfect shape to balance the slightly above average size nose and massive, humongous, gargantuan forehead I possess. To save on expenses I've been plucking my own eyebrows and just following the shape my waxer Sarah has been following for the past year and a half.

One day last week when I was in Florida I had a particularly stressful morning so I decided I would treat myself to getting my brows waxed. It was time and I could use the mood lifter.

I walk in to a fairly upscale salon (no chop shop for these brows, people!)and only had to wait a few minutes. I immediately inform my waxer I like my brows on the thicker side and not to give me McDonald arches!! I am led back to the waxing table and my waxer is obviously new. She doesn't know where anything is and she is jittery. The owner comes in and shows my lady where the wooden sticks are and the powders/creams/tear sheets, etc. I give a weary look to the owner who reassuringly taps my leg and informs me "Don't worry Sweetie, she's been doing hair since before you've been born. Today's just her first day here".

Phase 1 goes off fairly well from my position. She does the left brow. Then she does the right brow. Then she sits me up & hands me a mirror. The left brow is much thinner than I like but the shape was OK. The right brow was the same shape but a good twice as thick. I point this out and a few strays she missed. She apologies and informs me "it's hard to see in here"!!! As she's thinning out the right brow she yanks the wax off and she exclaims as she quickly sucks in a breath "huuh!!". I lift the mirror (still in my hand) and yup - gone. 1/2 my eyebrow taken off just like that. Life can change in an instant people. Hug your friends. Call your parents. Tell your family you love them. You just never know. ;)

The new girl is shaken up and tries to go back in with more wax! I yell for her to STOP! A few people turn their heads and the owner rushes over. She takes one look at my 1/2 brow and grabs my wrist and says "There's nothing we can do. It's gone." I am cracking up now but it was NOT funny then. I ask for someone to try and fix the damage that has been done as best then could.

Now, for the next few weeks I must "pencil" in my brow which only melts with the rest of my makeup within an hour because I'm so oily. O well. I still have 3/4 of the brows what I went in with.

And before you ask: No, they didn't charge me. Yes, they gave me a $45 brow pencil. Yes, I still left a tip (not for original lady but for the disaster relief lady).

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Cart Corrals

Am I the only one who gets super excited when I find a parking spot

immediately beside the cart corral at the grocery store?

The Challenge: Feed myself 5 healthy meals a day for 7 days for $30 total. The results: FAIL!!!!

People say it all the time. Hell I used to say it all the time. "It's too expensive to eat healthy". A challenge was set forth for me to feed myself a healthy 5 meals a day for 7 days for no more than $30.

Now, I am the best shopper I know. If there's a sale within 50 miles I can sniff it out. NO PROBLEM!! I say to myself. I'm single. I don't need huge portions. Piece of cake (Mmmmm - cake!)

I sit and make my menu with the mindset I'll be eating for fuel this week and not pleasure. Get the healthy food in my body 5 times a day for 7 days. Period. Repetitive foods are unavoidable. This is not the time to be planning a big ole flavor party for my tastebuds. Fuel. Fuel. Fuel.

Side note: I would at this time like to say I hate when you watch a food show and they talk about feeding a family of 25 for under $10 and then proceed to use half the friggin ingredients from their pantry or staples already on hand but if THEY can do it, then I am too. However I'll disclose what was in my house already (already on hand items will be red)


2 soft boiled eggs
2 slices of wheat toast with 1 tsp Naturally More Peanut butter on each
1 cup berries mixed with 6 oz yogurt

4 egg whites (I boil a crapload up for the week & have them peeled & throw the yolks away)
1 yogurt
small handfull of walnuts **on hand**

1 multi grain sandwich thin
3 ounces of turkey
avacado slices
spinach leaves
tomato slices
salt & pepper

1 side of home made slaw
1 fuji apple.

(Same as mid morning snack)

I bought Salad ingredients, a 2 pound pork roast (currently cooking in crock pot), and the ingredients for turkey chili. Plus I already have a box of edamame individual packs in the freezer.

THE RESULT: $51.08
OVERAGE: $21.08

$4.48 - 7 fuji apples
2.49 - romaine leaves
1.99 - bag of spinach
2.64 - 3 avacados
1.93 - head of cabbage
2.12 - 1/2 pound ground white turkey meat
.60 - can of tomato sauce
.86 - can of chili beans
.94 - can of dary red kidney beans
.92 - can of seasoned black beans
7.22 - 5 dozen eggs
.88 - cucumber
1.48 - celery
3.48 - campari tomatoes
.65 - red onion
7.50 - 20 yogurts
5.40 - pork roast
3.00 - sliced turkey
2.50 - sandwich thins

On hand:
walnuts, peanut butter, frozen blueberries, edamame, scallions, green pepper, lite mayo.

Yes, I went way over my challenge but tell me how you can eat a less healthy meal for under $1.46/meal or $7.30/day? Let alone reaping the rewards of eating healthy??

Friday, March 12, 2010

Older random notes

I posted my older Facebook notes. Look down there. Yes, there - in the bottom right corner of this page, Silly. You can re-read them numerous times. They truly are classics. ;)

Ladies and Gentlemen - STEP RIGHT UP! to KT's freak ...errr.. sleepshow! - 1/27/10

Yesterday I threatened to take a pen and paper with me when I went to bed because I wake up a lot and have the funniest thoughts. That's exactly what I did last night. I woke up probably about 3-4 times (not unusual) and below are the thoughts (& why I think I had them) I had before falling back asleep. Nothing all that funny but still enough material to throw a panel of therapists into a frenzy. :)

In order but not sure which time (1st, 2nd, etc) it was when I woke up:

My throat is sore and I think it has to do with lying face done in OPS (other peoples sweat) at the gym last night.

I had a old silent movies (think black white with vertical lines) type cartoon shoot through my head of a young girl and boy doing some sort of 20's flapper dance.

I need to practice for my Advanced RAD class which starts on Monday.

I need to order more flair markers next Staples order.

I rub my feet together right before I fall asleep and as I wake up - have since I was a toddler. Thought how odd that was.

My Grandmom Kerr - and how I miss her. (she died when I was 7)

the smell of Pink dove soap - G'mom Kerr used to bathe me using it. I still think of her everytime I smell it.

Pink's song Stupid Girl - Had the chorus running through my head - aaarrrhh!

My workout yesterday: I did this in the evening instead of my typical morning time and it was the 1st time I did my full custom routine alone - I'm gathering my thoughts for my follow up to Body Analysis note and what struck me funny last night was as I was doing my sit-ups with the medicine ball - I had to do them in weight room with the "gym gawkers" on a mat because their was a class in the classroom (small gym peeps) - well - I'll save it for my follow-up but funny stuff.

My Brother - He's awesome and I finally got to talk to him at length last night and he told me he was just getting in from the dog park. My thoughts last night were from when I took my dog to the dog park for her Christmas pic and I wore my white jeans. Missy's not a jumper but I forget other little yappers are. i was covered in muddy dog prints when I left. That memory came back to me.

Readers Digest - I fell asleep with my glasses and my Reader's Digest (again). I read it cover to cover and have ever since I was 18. I made fun of myself with a friend yesterday for my RD addicition so that came back as a passing thought.

My Schoneberg collection. I started a collection of vintage charcoal Schoneberg prints from the late 60's and early 70's. I had a chat about them with my sis last night.

My friend Nick in WI and how he checks on this old guy that lives alone.

This morning when I am fully awake and before my feet hit the floor - as i've done since Dec 22 - I thank God for the blessing of another day and make a conscious decision that whatever the day has in store for me I will make healthy and good choices.

2010 Mission Possible - Body Analysis 1 - 1/21/10

So with the gym membership comes with a Body Analysis and Custom made fitness routine for your individual needs and goals. So I go all struttin' in the gym for my 8 o'clock this morning thinking I got this nailed - I don't have any weight to lose - I just need to tone up. Little did I know the hellish torture that was to be unleased in my direction from Marianne, a typically pleasant and mellow woman. Looking back now, I can see her in my mind's eye just waiting for me, wrenching her hands, thowing her head back and giving a deep throaty evil laugh right before my bubbly, happy ass comes bouncing through the double doors. (muah ah ha ha ha ha - muah ah ha ha ha ha).

I like Marianne, I actually picked her to do my analysis and routine because she helped me previously with some upper body exercises when I did 9 mile (was supposed to be 7) kayak race 6 months ago. At that time, I gave her like 5 days to whip me in shape - mission impossible - I finished the race dead last & bawling like a baby with every muscle in my body aching - but hey - I finished!!! But ah, I digress, today she meets me with a clipboard and we sit for Step 1 - Q&A - "Do you have this ailment?" "Do you have that health risk?" rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat.

Step 2 - Body Composition
Gender - Female
Age - 37
Height - 5' 9.5"
Weight - 138.4 lb
Measurements - 37.5" x 27" x 38"
BMI - 20.4
Fat % - 28.8!!!!! at this point is when I first hear the phrase needing to "build muscle mass". (read: lose some of the fat there Twiggy and put some muscle in its place, you-lazy-ass-couch-potato-pizza-eatin'-amazonian-loaf) That's they way I heard it anyway.

Step 3 - Reach
In theory this is how this is supposed to work. One would sit on the floor and push your feet up against this contraption that has a slide looking thing on the top - you raise your hands together high in the air and lean as forward as you can and push the slide back away from you. This will give them, I guess some idea on how flexible you are. In Kim's world however it was very awkward and I barely touched the damn machine with the tips of my fingers let alone pushing the slide back any! I am blaming this failure on my 34" inseam. My legs are simple too long to be able to do that test. Hmfph!

Step 4 - Endurance
O good - lets put pigeon toed Kim on a tread mill and start her out walking then just for shits and giggles lets make her run and not trip over her own toes. Every now and then Marianne wrote something down on her trusty clipboard. I think it was supposed to be my heartrate but I think really what she was doing was make notations similar to "klutz" or "offer refund" but whatever - she can keep her little notes to herself.

Step 5 - Strength - hahahahahah
As we approach the first machine, its the one you push up over your head - She informs me we're going to start out light just for a warm up - true story - as God is my witness - I can not lift the warm up weights. She actually gave me a shocked looked and asked "really?". I am cracking up right now remembering this. Really. I'm a weak-ass. More scribbling on the clipboard. But hey - that's what I'm going for, right? She needs to fatigue my muscles to know my limits and in the end I was only able to lift about 50 pounds in the arms, legs (extensions) and reverse chin ups.

Good times.

Now she'll work up a fitness routine for me and I meet with her on Monday. Something tells me she just might call in sick that day. I, in the meantime, will be looking up the meanings of muscle mass, muscle memory, endurance, lats, quads, triceps, glutes, abs, and biceps. If I can't be strong I'd better be smart - or at least a smartass.

Nothing but <3 for ya Marianne - you've got your work cut out for ya. :)

ding ding ding - In this corner we have Kim's "PLAN" and In that corner is Kim's "REALITY" - 8/3/09

The TL is in the shop because I'm to stupid to text while stopping. You heard right. I'm freekin' stopped at a red light and get into an accident while was when I was back in Florida so the details are a bit (There MAY have been a greenlight involved and me ASSUMING the box truck in front of me was

....Anyway...I finally take her into the shop and am now without wheels for 4 days. Of course I did make this appointment and one would think I would have ran errands that needed running; planned ahead and picked up groceries I would be needing, etc. One would be wrong.

I get dressed for the gym before taking my car in because I was going to walk up and get a work-out in as soon as I got home. Instead I get sidetracked on getting the details of transferring my appraisal license to Delaware. I needed a form notarized. HERE'S THE LIGHTBULB OVER THE HEAD MOMENT. I'll walk to my bank which is only about a mile away; get my form notarized and then walk over to Acme (which is situated on the opposite corner) and grab a few things. I took my backpack for the few items I'd be picking up. Good plan, right?

Phase one actually goes off without a hitch. Get to the bank, remember to take sunglasses off because I am carrying an empty backpack...doesn't look so good to the cameras. Phase 2 starts when I exit the bank and realize while Acme is in fact caddy-corner to the bank however it is situated across the biggest undeveloped, vacant field you've ever seen beyond which is the biggest parking lot you've ever seen. I walk around the field because it looks like it has a bunch of those "hitch hiker" plants where the sticky things stick to your shoelaces & socks. Get to Acme and pick up a "few things". My few things turn into enough food to feed a family of 4 for a week. I kept saying to myself "Oh this will fit" over and over and over and over and over again.

sidenote: I pick today to be the day I start to drink at least a gallon of water.

So I get everthing into my backpack and start the journey home (again only about a mile). I feel like I'm carrying someone piggy back style and 1/2 way through the parking lot I start to stumble over my pigeon toes. Now is the time Mother Nature decides to inform me I have too much water in the system. AARR! I decide to risk the sticky hitchhiker plants and "cut through" the field to shed some time. I'm wearing my at least 4 year old Nike's that still look brand new due to lack of use. 1/2 way through the field and schlopp! - mud. that's right people - I must now sludge through the mud. I keep walking and eventually find some sidewalk. I go into a trance of counting my steps (one, two, one, two, one two) and remind myself if the people on The Biggest Loser can do what they do - I can certainly walk a freekin' mile with a heavy backpack. I begin to slouch over - it helps. I had to reconsider the slouching when my head started to hit the pavement about 2' in front of my feet each time I took a step. I make it home. Barely. I skipped the gym - decided on a nap instead.

If you ever need to walk to the grocery store - here is what will fit into your backpack:

1 container of Portobello mushrooms
1 container of regular sliced mushrooms
1 bag of fresh baby spinace
3/4 pound steamed shrimp
1 package of birthday candles
1 can of frosting
2 bottles of vitamins
1 pound of low salt sliced turkey from the deli
2 pounds of baby carrots (buy one get one...hello!?!)
2 large sweet onlions
3 bell peppers
4 roma tomatoes
2 beefsteak tomatoes
4 granny smith apples
1 pound lean ground beef
2.5 pounds of skinless chicken breast (bogo...hello?!?)
4 cans of tuna fish
1 large can black beans
2x 1 pound containers of cottage cheese
1 cake mix
1 bottle of water; a wallet and a cell phone.


- MEN -
Grab same swim suit as last year (which is the same suit as the year before...rinse & repeat) and hit the pool/beach to watch all the hot mommas in their swim suits (Some guys doing just an awful job at this while pretending the're NOT doing this behind dark sunglasses...we are SO on to you guys)

Browse new 2009 swimsuit inventory at stores thinking you can't wear the same suit as last year because everyone would notice and then say to eachother "OMG...THAT'S THE SAME SUIT SHE WORE LAST YEAR!" behind your back with the same intensity as if you just committed murder. When in actualilty it turns out you really think WAY to much of yourself because A) Nobody would notice and B) Nobody would give a rat's ass! Additionally, you think to yourself I'd better start eating cleaner and taking the stairs.

Sign up for Monthly tanning at $40/month so you can start to build your "BASE TAN" so when July rolls around you don't look lilke a long lost family member of The Munsters.

Realize you must actually grow out your southern womanly region to the point you resemble a really bad 70's porn star so that you may go pay $50-$100 for the torture which is commonly referred to as "bikini waxing or a brazilian wax if you are so bold" so that come July you WON'T resemble a 70's porn star. You men don't realize this but this has to be done at LEAST 3 times before July because there are 3 hair growth cycles rotating at once....we get to shell out the dough and deal with torture not once but 3 times!!

You start to try on the first wave of about 100 suits in dressing rooms so horribly lit that even your teeth have a strange hue to them. This coupled with your panties that must be worn UNDER the suit while trying suits on I've heard has led to increased profits for local therapists and the manufacturers of Celexa!

You make the very wise decision to eat only when necessary in hopes that skipping a meal here or there will shed some weight when in reality you are doing the exact opposite. Your body will store fat thinking less nutrition is coming in. We know this and yet we still skip.

Yup, back to the waxer, who now has seen way too much of you and it's a bit awkward but you push through.

Second wave of trying on suits only now you think you notice you've GAINED weight. Nothing fits. You feel like a fatass and the rest of the day you are pissed off and snappy.

Grocery list: Puffed wheat, egg whites, low fat yogurt, no salt turkey, salad stuff. Period. Nothing else gets brought in the house!

You pass Rita's and say F* it and get a water ice. Here we go again.

See May

You look exactly the same as in March except a bit smoother and with an orangy glow about you.

You go back and buy one of the suits you tried on in the First Wave for the simple fact that while it was not particularly flattering it was the best of the worst.

You head to the pool/beach and end up wearing last years suit anyway because your new suit hasn't been broken in/stretch out yet. No one notices/cares.


LADIES ROOM - 4/13/09

So I'm in a public restroom the other night and someone comes in behind me and hollars "Joann?" to which I reply "no...Kim"...then for the hell of it I hollared back "Melissa?" (I don't even know a Melissa...first name I could think of...LOL) to which she replied "no...Barbara". Then she left. For some reason this cracked me up.

That stupid, self-humorous little exchange got me thinking. This actually happens quite often that women will come in and hollar for a friend. Ladies, you can attest to this. Does this happen in men's rooms? Are men sitting on the commode in a stall and a buddy of theirs comes in and hollars "Steve?" or god forbid a nickname "Yo Beef? in here?". I mean how long are you actually in the bathroom that a friend must come and find you? I have been guilty of this myself (ususally when I am buzzed and must for some very important alcohol induced reason fiind my friend ...IMMEDIATELY)

Anyway...just curious.

LAWNWORK - 4/29/09

Ok - I'll admit it...I suck at lawn maintenance.! I move up here and now have to mow my own grass. Back in Florida I did everything on the inside of the house (which I also sucked at) and Kelly did everything on the outside, which was constant since we have 2 acres, a pool and a manshop. I have a new appreciation for all that outside work.

I now have a 50 x 50 backyard a small front yard and a small side yard.

I do all the research on Consumer Reports to find the perfect models of everything I'll need to have a yard that would be the envy of all the neighbors. My sister hooks me up with bags of weed stop and weed and feed and all that stuff I never even thought of having to apply (Thanks Jill).

It just took me almost 4 hours and I truly think my yard looks WORSE than when I started. I swear. I'm sweaty, I'm tired, I'm shaking..this sucks.

So...I'm taking all this crap back to Home it in for a patio set and a case of wine and will sit sipping my wine as I watch a hired lawn crew 'cause I quit.