So with the gym membership comes with a Body Analysis and Custom made fitness routine for your individual needs and goals. So I go all struttin' in the gym for my 8 o'clock this morning thinking I got this nailed - I don't have any weight to lose - I just need to tone up. Little did I know the hellish torture that was to be unleased in my direction from Marianne, a typically pleasant and mellow woman. Looking back now, I can see her in my mind's eye just waiting for me, wrenching her hands, thowing her head back and giving a deep throaty evil laugh right before my bubbly, happy ass comes bouncing through the double doors. (muah ah ha ha ha ha - muah ah ha ha ha ha).I like Marianne, I actually picked her to do my analysis and routine because she helped me previously with some upper body exercises when I did 9 mile (was supposed to be 7) kayak race 6 months ago. At that time, I gave her like 5 days to whip me in shape - mission impossible - I finished the race dead last & bawling like a baby with every muscle in my body aching - but hey - I finished!!! But ah, I digress, today she meets me with a clipboard and we sit for Step 1 - Q&A - "Do you have this ailment?" "Do you have that health risk?" rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat.
Step 2 - Body Composition
Gender - Female
Age - 37
Height - 5' 9.5"
Weight - 138.4 lb
Measurements - 37.5" x 27" x 38"
BMI - 20.4
Fat % - 28.8!!!!! at this point is when I first hear the phrase needing to "build muscle mass". (read: lose some of the fat there Twiggy and put some muscle in its place, you-lazy-ass-couch-potato-pizza-eatin'-amazonian-loaf) That's they way I heard it anyway.
Step 3 - Reach
In theory this is how this is supposed to work. One would sit on the floor and push your feet up against this contraption that has a slide looking thing on the top - you raise your hands together high in the air and lean as forward as you can and push the slide back away from you. This will give them, I guess some idea on how flexible you are. In Kim's world however it was very awkward and I barely touched the damn machine with the tips of my fingers let alone pushing the slide back any! I am blaming this failure on my 34" inseam. My legs are simple too long to be able to do that test. Hmfph!
Step 4 - Endurance
O good - lets put pigeon toed Kim on a tread mill and start her out walking then just for shits and giggles lets make her run and not trip over her own toes. Every now and then Marianne wrote something down on her trusty clipboard. I think it was supposed to be my heartrate but I think really what she was doing was make notations similar to "klutz" or "offer refund" but whatever - she can keep her little notes to herself.
Step 5 - Strength - hahahahahah
As we approach the first machine, its the one you push up over your head - She informs me we're going to start out light just for a warm up - true story - as God is my witness - I can not lift the warm up weights. She actually gave me a shocked looked and asked "really?". I am cracking up right now remembering this. Really. I'm a weak-ass. More scribbling on the clipboard. But hey - that's what I'm going for, right? She needs to fatigue my muscles to know my limits and in the end I was only able to lift about 50 pounds in the arms, legs (extensions) and reverse chin ups.
Good times.
Now she'll work up a fitness routine for me and I meet with her on Monday. Something tells me she just might call in sick that day. I, in the meantime, will be looking up the meanings of muscle mass, muscle memory, endurance, lats, quads, triceps, glutes, abs, and biceps. If I can't be strong I'd better be smart - or at least a smartass.
Nothing but <3 for ya Marianne - you've got your work cut out for ya. :)
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